


i forgive you

by supernovaeyes



Series: Fictober 2018 [2]
Category: Free!
Genre: g OD, ivlove hi m so much, literally worst brother ever, natsuya is a dumbass and i wish that was acknowledged in the anime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-25 10:51:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16196054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernovaeyes/pseuds/supernovaeyes
Summary: natsuya isn’t the best at being a big brother, but he’s improving





	i forgive you

Natsuya thought of himself as a good brother.

Their parents told him so, his teachers did. But he only believed it because Ikuya told him so — in actions more than words; in the way Ikuya’s eyes sparked when they swam together, in the way he’d gulp down the pistacchio ice cream Natsuya had bought him, in the way he said “good morning, nii-chan” when Natsuya woke him up for school, and how comfortable he looked when Natsuya tucked him in bed at night.

In the way Ikuya said “I love you, nii-chan!” and trailed after Natsuya like a puppy wherever he went. How he copied Natsuya, because he looked up to him, because he wanted to be just like his role model.

“But that’s not right,” Natsuya muttered to himself as he looked at Ikuya’s sleeping face in his bed across the room. Natsuya, on the other hand, couldn’t sleep.

Ikuya’s admiration could go a long way — a dangerous way. He had no friends aside from his own brother, and he looked happy with that. If Natsuya were to leave, if something happened to him, if he just wasn’t there anymore...

Natsuya considered himself to be a good brother. And as a good brother, he had to make sacrifices for the sake of his little brother. Even if it would hurt him. Even if it would hurt Ikuya.

——————————-

Seeing Ikuya smile again, after so long, made Natsuya feel happiness he hadn’t felt in so long, he might’ve fooled himself into thinking he’d never felt it at all. But for sure, it was there, like the rainbow after the rain whereas Ikuya’s smile had been a storm.

Asahi looked flustered, and Ikuya’s smug face was directed right at him. An expression he’d never made at Natsuya. It wasn’t jealousy the older felt, simply acknowledgement. He felt the same when he saw the soft gaze Ikuya directed at Makoto, like a mirror to the gentle backstroke swimmer’s. And Haru...

It was clear to Natsuya that, as long as Ikuya kept on looking at Haru with such affectionate eyes, as long as Ikuya was aware of his own feelings, it’d be fine. He’d be fine, and so they would.

“Ikuya looks happy,” Nao said, not missing the way Natsuya glared at the Iwatobi relay team — he never missed it, any of it. If Nao was saying it, it must be so.

Ikuya had friends, a team. His relationship with Natsuya was restored, but there was so much more for him now. Why interfere? _He’s happy_ , Natsuya reminded himself. _It’s fine, he’s happy._

——————————-

America was a new phase for both of them. Natsuya had always wanted to meet the world, to see it with his own eyes and claim it for himself, for it was his right to. Ikuya had gone with him, not running behind him like a lost puppy anymore, but trying his best to match Natsuya’s rhythm, even if Natsuya’s steps were longer and he was still a good distance ahead. Natsuya didn’t see a problem — Ikuya was trying to catch up. He was working his hardest. To slow down just so they could walk together, now that’d be cruel, an offense. So Natsuya kept his own pace, and he didn’t look back, no need to.

It shifted. Ikuya almost drowned, and it changed him. For good, for bad, Natsuya wasn’t sure. He was improving at impressive speeds, and yet, he was no closer to reaching Natsuya. Was it possible he seemed even further away now?

Natsuya saw it in Hiyori’s eyes, that glint of worry, just in quick moments, just until Hiyori realized he was looking and put his smile back on. He had saved Ikuya, and he would tell Natsuya if something was really wrong. But still he smiled on, he practiced with Ikuya, went out with him, they smiled at each other, even if Ikuya’s eyes bore none of his former spark. Maybe it was just growing up.

Hiyori clung to him, ironically, like Ikuya used to do to Natsuya. Hiyori was always smiling, Ikuya didn’t seem angry or sad — just determined, focused, albeit extremely so —, and he wasn’t alone. It’s fine, then, right?

Natsuya put on his goggles, and as he dived into the pool, he felt no strings pulling him back, just the quiet uneasiness of the water.

——————————-

Ikuya won the Individual Medley, and he did it against Haruka. As they hugged in the pool, making it fuller with Ikuya’s tears of joy, Natsuya couldn’t take his eyes off them.

How long had it been since he’d seen Ikuya swim? Had it really been _years_? As he watched the IM unfold, he could hardly believe the person pulling ahead of everyone was his younger brother. What an amazing swimmer... He had developed so much, grown so much, and somehow Natsuya hadn’t seen it.

When he came back to reality, he realized Nao was watching him. Nao tilted his head slightly and looked at Natsuya fondly, but Natsuya couldn’t return it. He was mad. How could he not know? Why had no one told him?

But they had. Makoto had told him when he said goodbye to Ikuya at his last day in Iwatobi Middle School, Haru nowhere to be seen. Hiyori had told him when he visited Ikuya at the hospital in America. Nao had downright told him, in so many words.

Ikuya had told him. Not in words, but in actions.

He had told him all these years.

Natsuya looked pitifully at Nao. He couldn’t even muster up the strength to speak. All these years, everything that happened... what had Natsuya done?

Natsuya thought he was definitely a terrible brother.

Nao squeezed his shoulder, when had his hand even gotten there? And he blinked affectionately at Natsuya, as usual, reading every word in his mind.

“Go after your brother.”

That was it. He had been wrong, all these years, to think Ikuya should be the one catching up to him, to think Ikuya should get his independence.

They were stronger together.

Natsuya ran outside, on his way towards his brother, a new goal and a new understanding in his mind, but the same love he’d always had for Ikuya — stronger.

Freer.

——————————

First place looked good on Ikuya, as did that bright smile he had shown off more lately. Except this time it meant so much more. Natsuya felt like he didn’t deserve it, after everything, but he couldn’t refuse it even if he tried. It flooded his senses, but he could swim, so the warmth on his chest wasn’t from lack of breathing.

It was different this time. It was directed at Natsuya, this time.

Hiyori had already left, but Natsuya invited himself to stay for the night. It was late, they should probably get to sleeping, but the excitement from their race filled the air between them, and were some sparks still flying? Although that last part might’ve just been the beer. Not that Natsuya could fool himself; he’d only had one, not enough for sparks. But he hadn’t felt like having more at all. Not today.

Ikuya got ready for bed while Natsuya finished cleaning up, a deed he hadn’t done in who knows how long. Ikuya thanked him with that smile. It wouldn’t leave his face now.

But the time, the effort it had taken to get here was gone. Natsuya had done nothing to help. Did Ikuya regret it, all those years? Did some part of him resent Natsuya? Was he _truly_ happy now?

Why hadn’t Natsuya asked himself that before?

He was pulling Ikuya for another hug before he could notice it himself. Ikuya yelped, surprised, just as he had done in the pool. Then, Natsuya had told him something he should’ve said a long, long time ago. But he hadn’t said everything.

“I’m sorry, Ikuya,” he muttered, voice muffled. His face on Ikuya’s chest, hidden, embarrassed, angry at himself. Desperately sorry.

He felt Ikuya’s breath hitch — his little brother had always been a crybaby. Ikuya’s body shook a little, but the arms he wrapped around Natsuya were firm. His chin was on Natsuya’s head, a position they’d found each other in plenty of times, with the roles switched this time. And Natsuya had never felt more safe. Natsuya had never felt more proud, and he had never felt more happy.

“It’s fine, aniki,” Ikuya sobbed.

This.

 _This_ was the freedom Natsuya had been looking for. It had always been this.

It had always been Ikuya.

“I love you, aniki. It’s fine.”

And it was fine.


End file.
